Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
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*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I laughed at this way too hard.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I love you to the refrigerator and back
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea