My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
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The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.