[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
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Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams