Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
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The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first