Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
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If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.