My god she’s good.
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🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”