[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
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launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
i wish we could shoplift online
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona