Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?