me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
You Might Also Like
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
The Struggle
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
A collection of me turning into random objects.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]