‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
You Might Also Like
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this