one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
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Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito