I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
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When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller