The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
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Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.