director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
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(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
jesus christ confetti not now
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit