I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
You Might Also Like
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
wtf management?!
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
i like to flex on them by shrugging
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.