People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
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Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.