[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
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When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.