If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Try and stop me.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.