Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
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The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
What a relief. Bring on the nukes