[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
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Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?