I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
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9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]