AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
You Might Also Like
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”