me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
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Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.