That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
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If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.