Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
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How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.