My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
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[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Breaking news:
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid