Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
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good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Why is everyone getting married at me
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁