Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
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why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.