as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
You Might Also Like
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Good morning
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)