The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
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“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.