It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
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Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.