You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
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We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
They’re on their honeymoon
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this: