Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
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My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?