Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
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Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
forgive me baja for i have blast