I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
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I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐