Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
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[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it