when you order from DoorDastardly
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God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
@funTweeters
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.