me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
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Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no