Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
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“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma