me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
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Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.