I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
How to make infinite energy.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…