Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
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It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.