I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
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One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
He’s cranky this morning
Cucumbers Anonymous
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
What even happened today?
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
The only time I’ll care about Basketball: