What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
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I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
real
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?