– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
You Might Also Like
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
good morning
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane