So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
You Might Also Like
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
want me to check your oil?
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
new career option?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat