Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
You Might Also Like
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
@ candidates for local office
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Happens to everyone.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments