If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
You Might Also Like
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER