[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
You Might Also Like
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.