James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
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With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.